The Cleanse: The End

"The healing power of transformational nourishment isn't about never eating sugar again. Healing happens when you are willing to engage in the process of awareness with yourself. Healing means being willing to take risks to truly nourish yourself when the easy route would be to disregard or abuse yourself. As most things worthy of our time and attention, nourishment is a process. It's a beginning, not an end." Halé Sofia Schatz

And so the cleanse comes to an end. As you probably noticed, I didn't do much journaling during Phase Three, the final five days of the program. The reasons for this are varied: lack of enthusiasm, social commitments, frustration for "falling off the wagon" a few times, etc. However, now that this experience comes to its official close, I can look back at it and feel good about what I've done, despite the occasional lapses in the second half.

It's been a long time since I've undertaken something as regimented as this program, and that fact that I made it 9 days following it to the letter feels good. Not only from a discipline standpoint, but also knowing that I gave my body a full nine days worth of rest and ease of digestion. Throughout the course of the program, I made really good choices in what I ate, and I didn't let my frustration with my mental state knock me off course completely.

Naturally, in hindsight I can see plenty of ways that I could have supported myself better during the cleanse. I think one of the key recommendations that I didn't follow was coming to clarity about my intent for undertaking the program, and bringing that intent into focus on a daily basis. I did lose sight as to why I was doing it. When people would ask me why I was undertaking this, I'd often say it was to release the toxins built up in my body. And while that's true, it wasn't a statement that I held my sights to daily, and frequently I would focus on other motivators when the going got rough. More times than not, those other motivators really weren't enough to put me back on the track of taking care of myself in a holistic way.

One of the biggest lessons for me is the simple awareness that I haven't practiced self-nourishment enough to make it a habit. Even during the cleanse, when nourishment was supposed to be catamount to my daily existencee, I often didn't engage in the activitiess I had set out for myself to support my self-care: walking, creative inspiration, long baths, journaling, etc.

I believe that it will be easier for me to make the time to shop for and prepare more nourishing meals for myself going forward. While I transition out of the cleanse and back into less-structured eating, I think the real challenge at hand will be to find simple ways, every day, for me to support myself in nourishing my body, mind and spirit. Equally important will be recognizing, in each moment, that which does not support me in this endeavor, and choosing wisely. Mostly, I wish for myself oceans of patience. After all, this is a beginning, not an end.

The Cleanse: Day Ten

Today was the last day of Phase Two. Tomorrow, I can start eating proteins again. Those on the list include fish, tofu, beans/legumes, and eggs. I'll be able to make scrambled eggs again! According to the guidelines, I'm not supposed to mix grains and protein together in a meal, so there won't be any beans and rice meals anytime in the near future, but it's a relief to have some more options to work with.

Being able to nibble on a small handful of almonds at work has been a real help getting through the day. I didn't end up going very overboard with the grains these past five days like I wondered if I would. The quinoa tabouli covered a few meals, and that felt like a good choice with quinoa's relatively high protein content. Didn't even come close to touching the delicious factor of the jasmine rice, but I knew I was getting more bang for my proverbial buck with it.

My moon came today, which cleared up part of the mystery as to why my emotions were particularly raw yesterday. I know it's much more than that, however. Having an eating disorder for as many years as I've had, I suspected it would only be a matter of time before my mind started jumping up and down like a crazed Tom Cruise. I would have liked to have found the path to respond in a more nurturing way.

If at all possible, I hope that if anyone reading this is considering going through a similar cleansing process, you really carve out the space for yourself to take care of yourself for the duration. Take some time off from your regular responsibilities if you can. Do some meal planning so that you can have some "heat and serve" dishes ready for the tough days. Enlist the support of a friend to go through it with you. Keep your bathtub bubble-bath ready at all times so you can take a soak when you need to let it all just drain away for awhile. Practice positive affirmations every day. Accept the gifts that come your way, even if that doesn't feel comfortable. Reach out and touch nature. You get the idea.

I have a sink full of dirty dishes, and that's ok. Time for sleep.

The Cleanse: Day Nine

Day Nine will be known as Terrible Tuesday. So terrible, I didn't even journal about it yesterday. It wasn't that I was experiencing any adverse physical reactions, but mentally, it was by far the worst. I was hungry when I left work, and I had to do an errand afterwards, so by the time I got home, I was on the brink. And I just did NOT want to cook. I had stopped at a store hoping I would find a can of soup to heat up when I got home, but it was impossible to find a vegetable soup that did not have legumes, wheat or soy. The options of not eating or eating salad greens were equally unappealing, and I just started spinning out psychologically. Frustrated, fed up, hungry, lonely, questioning why I had chosen to do this program for so long my first time, it went on and on.

So, I poured myself a few ounces of scotch and got to cooking dinner. Not the worst that could happen, but I can't help but feel disappointed that my "test of discipline" failed. I have no intention on ending the cleanse early, but the experience has taken some of the wind out of my sails.

The Cleanse: Day Eight

Macaroni and cheese. That's what I fantasized about today on my bus ride home from work. Many varieties of macaroni and cheese. Annie's in the purple box with the cute bunny on the front. The dish they serve up at Bleu Bistro, which is oozing with cheese that stretches from your fork back to the cauldron it's served in. My dad's mac 'n' cheese, which he always serves with peas and biscuits (you could call that the Anti-Atkins meal, I suppose). And my all-time favourite recipe, the one my grandmother always made for me when I would go to visit her. She always used delicious, sharp white cheddar cheese and would top the casserole dish with breadcrumbs sautéd in butter before putting it in the oven. Absolute comfort food.

Halfway there.

The Cleanse: Day Seven

A full week through, and I'm almost to the half-way mark. I'm beginning to turn my thoughts towards how I will transition out of the cleanse and back into day-to-day nourishment. I think it's pretty likely that my days of eating potato chips for dinner are gone. The food-combining principles are a bit much to hold on to indefinitely, but if I notice my guts going haywire the next time I have rice and beans or tofu with rice and veggies, I'll pay attention.

This evening I feel pretty tired, but I had a lot of fun playing badminton out in the park today, so it's mostly a good tired. I am noticing a touch of dizziness as well, which could be due to lots of things, but I wasn't as careful with my water intake today, and being out in the sun for awhile, that reason seems like a decent candidate.

Today I tried sorrel for the first time. It's a bitter, sort of lemonesque leafy green which I mixed in with some other greens and used as a bed for the quinoa tabouli I made for the next day or so. The recipe for the tabouli reminds me of a similar recipe out of one of the Molly Katzen cookbooks, only Molly's recipe had feta and toasted walnuts as well. While I'm free to eat walnuts now, I'm not supposed to combine them with a grain to keep digestion simple. Hmmph.

I bought some dried organic pluots at the Farmers' Market today, and they make a delicious snack. No additives or preservatives, and they sure cure a sweet tooth!

The Cleanse: Day Six

It's a lovely thing to eat a food after being denied it for awhile! Just uttering that statement makes me realize how very fortunate I am to be able to choose to eat, let alone what I eat. There are so many people on this planet that can't afford to feed themselves or their families. I feel grateful for the abundance of foods I can nourish myself with.

To be able to nibble on almonds today was a delight. I saved my grain dish until dinner, and I'm sure I've never savored the sweet aroma and delicate flavour of jasmine rice like I did tonight. I made a simple stir-fry with broccoli, carrots, sweet onions, ginger and tamari, and it was perfect. Broccoli has always been one of my staple veggies, but this is the first time I've had it on the cleanse. I feel like the Wizard of Oz is preparing his hot-air balloon in my gut right now. It's interesting that this is the first time I'm having that sensation while undergoing this experiment.

I enjoyed another walk today, though I noticed some discomfort in my hip joints again (also noticed this during my walk yesterday). Joint pain is a possible "cleanse response" according to the book, but it could also just be from getting to sleep-in 2 days in a row.

Even though I'm not yet halfway through this, I think it may be safe to say that the worst is over.

The Cleanse: Day Five

I'm 1/3 of the way there! Phase 1 of the cleanse program comes to a close, and I'm still hanging in there. I was re-reading part of the book (If The Buddha Came To Dinner) regarding the cleanse specifics, and was delightfully reminded that not only do I get to add grains back in to my diet, I also get to add seeds and almonds and walnuts (raw or dry roasted, not salted). Nice!

I finally decided to try the kale I bought at the Farmers' Market. It's a highly recommended food during the cleanse, but I really wasn't very excited to try it. Sure, it's full of nutrients, but I wasn't too sure about the flavour. I have memories of it being excellent iguana food, but beyond that, I hadn't had much exposure to it. I used a recipe from the book named "Spiced Kale and Escarole", which I made minus the escarole. The spices included freshly grated ginger root, cumin, turmeric, coriander, and salt and pepper, and there was a garnish of chopped scallions. I can't imagine how the iguana got it down without all the extras! Of course, his tongue didn't turn the color of a marigold from the tumeric, either. I felt like a cow at pasture eating this dish; the leaves are so fibrous that you have to chew and chew and chew. I suppose you could overcook it until it was a wilted mess, but then any nutritious benefit would go right down the drain, and I don't think it would make it anymore palatable.

I finally got a good walk in today. I met up with my cousin and the pooch at Discovery Park, and had a nice afternoon stroll.

I thought I would have some luck finding the dried sea vegetables that are also highly recommended at Whole Foods Market, so I made a trip there, too. Not surprisingly, I walked out of there with one shopping bag and $74 less in my wallet. I love that store, but damn is it expensive!! I did, however, find some arame, gomasio (sesame seeds & sea salt), and dulse granules. The recipe says that even fussy teenagers will like this dish (Arame Sea Vegetable Salad). According to the book, arame is a mild-tasting member of the Brown Algae family (a type of kelp), and is loaded with calcium and potassium. I wonder if I'll have the sensation of being a whale while eating it?

The Cleanse: Day Four

No vicious headaches to report today. I'm not sure if this is because I'm "over the hump" with withdrawals from coffee and sugar, or if it's because of my hearty lunch of root vegetables today, as opposed to salad and stir-fry leftovers the past two days. Either way, I'm relieved.

While talking with a friend earlier, I noted how surprised I was that I hadn't been overtaken with compulsive thoughts about eating since starting this cleanse, particularly non-healthy foods. Interestingly, as soon as I got home, I immediately had the thought of calling this off. Or at least jumping off the program for a time-out. I'm also now recalling that I had a dream last night about being in a store with someone, and picking up a bunch of candy bars to binge on later, then feeling too embarrassed to purchase them in front of whoever I was with. In the dream, I attempted to hide them in some other item I was buying, but then decided the risk of being caught shoplifting was way worse than the embarrassment of buying all the candy bars. I don't remember the ending of that segment of the dream now, but I think it's safe to say that my internal resistance, my habitualized behavior patterns are starting to feel a little threatened.

I think the other nudge today that made me consider "cheating" on the program was that my boss basically made me take the day off from work tomorrow. Now, if you read my earlier post, you might think this is a very good thing. While it will be a relief to be away from the extra stress, going to work also provides a structure where I have to concentrate on other things, and the thought of 3 days of me, myself and I had me a little worried. I think the anxiety of that has passed now, and I'm shifting more into a space of gratitude and wonder at what my day off will bring tomorrow. Perhaps I'll finally go visit the new library downtown, or wander though the Pike Place Market leisurely. Ah, the possibilities. One thing for sure: it'll be a day at Rhoda's pace! Did I mention I'm a Taurus-Moon?

The Cleanse: Day Three

I've got a headache *this* big. Apparently this is a good sign, meaning that my body is doing what I've asked it to, which is to release toxins. I'm supposed to be responding to the headache with a gentle attitude of nonattachment. I wouldn't mind detaching my head from my body right about now.

Day three is coming to a close, and I'm hopeful that this will be the worst that I'll feel. Naturally my inner critic is jumping up and down on my head telling me that if I had followed the advice about doing a preparation period before starting, then this "cleanse response" wouldn't be so bad. Oh, yes; I'm to be gentle with myself right now!

I had to stop by the store for some spices today. They pretty much always have 2 kinds of cheese out for tasting, and I noticed how I gravitated straight for them (sampling smoked cheese today -- the nerve!). I caught myself and flicked the switch out of auto-pilot. Awareness is one of the critical features of this whole program: how the body feels before and after eating, noticing all the aromas and textures of food, along with all the stimuli going on around me during feeding time.

I got a bit smarter about the meal prep issue today and made a batch of curried vegetables to last through dinner tomorrow. I don't think I've ever made curry at home and not used coconut milk, and was pleased with the results even without it. Tomorrow I aspire to take a nice walk after work rather than cooking. Excerise never has been a strong point of mine. I think some stretching is in order before bed this evening.

Two more days, and I get to eat some rice! It's almost like being on Survivor, but without the bugs.